Overcoming Inhibitions and Finding Your Lover’s Erogenous Zones

I have traveled all over the world to lecture on love, relationships, romance and sexuality and one of the universal similarities we all have in common are inhibitions. They are self-imposed restrictions on one’s behavior and they come from our subconscious mind. Our mind is predisposed to the way we were raised so it’s not surprising that many people have inhibitions based upon negative influences, repression and societal restraints on sexual behavior. For example, many women suffer from the “good girl syndrome” because they were taught that only “bad girls” will do a striptease for their lover, masturbate, give oral, have anal or even initiate sex when they want it. Women are often raised with shame and guilt about their body so they are inhibited about the size or shape of their breasts, the look and smell of their vagina, losing control during orgasm and of course asking for what they want in bed.

Male inhibitions are different but can be just as unhealthy. For example, many men were taught not to show their feelings because it’s a sign of weakness. Men are inhibited about the size of their penis because they’ve been taught that size does matter,
some men think that a woman’s vagina should smell like spring flowers or autumn rain, men hate asking for directions so why would they ever ask their lover what pleases them? Apparently a man should know what a woman wants and so the list of inhibitions goes on.

It’s no wonder so many couples are sexually frustrated. If you can’t talk about what turns you on, then you can’t expect your lover to read your mind. After all, you wouldn’t dream of not telling a waiter how you like your steak cooked because you don’t want to ruin a good piece of meat, then why would you risk the demise of a good relationship by not talking about what you want in bed?
The best solution that I’ve found for overcoming any inhibition is to simply face it. It is my belief that you will always have regrets if you don’t overcome obstacles. A life with regrets is a life that has not fully been realized, experienced and enjoyed.

CONFESSION: Alexis: “How do I find my erogenous zones?”

While Alexis had no trouble getting men into bed, figuring out what turned them on once she had their full attention was quite another story. Alexis had difficulty tuning in to the vastly different levels of arousal and pleasure zones that every man responded to. One man loved it when she tenderly caressed his buttocks; while another thought it was annoying. Each successive lover posed a new challenge, and Alexis’ inability to “read” their desires undermined her confidence in pleasing a man. Unable to simply ask her partner what excited him, Alexis allowed doubt to inhibit her.
The inhibition factor was the most disconcerting, as it deterred her from finding sexual satisfaction, and the uncertainty she felt most likely masked a greater need to please her partners than to be pleased herself.
Alexis needed to improve her communicative skills with her partners and not just in bed either. Clearly, even though she wanted to touch them in “the right way,” she couldn’t directly ask any of them what their individual needs were. My strategy was to help Alexis get past her communicative inhibitions in general.
Alexis was first instructed to write down questions she had of me, with no restrictions at all. Once she had written them down, she could verbalize them. While some of the questions were general, most related to sex. She had no idea that men liked to be touched with more pressure than women and that each man had his own erogenous zones just waiting to be discovered.

Then we repeated the procedure outside the office. Her homework was to write down and verbalize her questions to others. Eventually, the
inhibitions were reduced to a level whereby she could ask direct, intimate questions of others, without embarrassment, and alleviate the confusion she had felt.
The benefit to Alexis would be an ability to express herself to others and to get them to express themselves to her. It would enable her to get past the frustrations of an inhibiting shyness and consequently become a more confident lover.

Excerpts from The Loveologist Guide to Inhibitions by Dr. Ava Cadell comprise this article. Visit The Loveology University Bookstore to find a wealth of resources, including e-books and audiobooks, to help you have a richer and more fulfilling sex life.

~ by Dr. Ava on April 15, 2010.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: